Well, Bless my Soul!...

The following is an article I wrote for a website a friend of mine is designing. Let me know what you think:

“The influence of a valiant mission president is one of the great miracles of the restored gospel.”
-Elder Quentin L. Cook

The Savior, Jesus Christ, spent the entirety of his life teaching people the way to gain true eternal happiness. Every moment of his mortality was characterized by love, service, and sacrifice. He took no care for his own comfort, but laid down his life for the well-being and the joy of all of God’s children.

Jesus was the example whereby each of us should pattern our own lives. In following the example of Jesus to love and serve God’s children selflessly, each of us gains the possibility to have “the image of God engraven upon [our] countenances” (Alma 5:19) and, in effect, truly become more like him. In an article in the April 1973 issue of the New Era, we read, “By freely giving his life, Christ, and Christ alone, atoned for all mankind. We have the opportunity of aiding others to accept his love and his sacrifice—the gift of the atonement—and thereby aid in the work of exalting the human family, becoming saviors on Mount Zion…To become as God is, we must learn to give freely, to love freely, to be willing to suffer even the humiliation and sorrow of seeing our love rejected—willing to love all as God loves us, unconditionally, throughout eternity.”

If this is true, those who serve as full-time missionaries have the opportunity not only to be blessed with the happiness of bringing the gospel to others, but they also are placed at the brink of being made into new creatures—like the Savior himself. These missionaries, when they truly give themselves to such complete and dedicated selfless service, are privy to so much of light of Christ that those taught by them can feel the love of the Savior as if He were indeed present, wrapping His arms around them and calling them to return home. I know this is true, because I have experienced it. These moments are my most cherished memories.

But, I believe, it is a faithful mission president, the man who presides over all the missionaries in one large area, who has the ability to become the most Christ-like of all. A mission president dedicates every day of his life for three years to loving and serving each one of the young missionaries, even as they are serving others. His desires are their righteous desires, and he prays fervently day and night for opportunities to help them succeed.

A few weeks ago, I stood and embraced the man who served as my own mission president in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. He had just returned home, and though his eyelids sagged with exhaustion, his smile was more radiant than ever. It has been two full years since I returned home, and I’m embarrassed to admit that I have lost a great deal of the light that I was blessed with while serving. It’s funny; I thought I’d be able to hang onto it forever. But the truth is that the more concerned with self we become, the less like Christ we are. And since I am no longer a missionary, it is much harder for my focus to be outside myself. Life is hard. I’ve faced a lot of pains and sorrows of my own. But standing there, hugging the man that we Wisconsin missionaries had nick-named ‘Papa Bear,’ I felt warmth and peace course through my body and my soul. In that instant, the love of the Savior was made evident through this man who had served me and so many others so very diligently. This pure love coursed through me with a sense of power that I had not felt in a long time. Tears sprang to my eyes, and I said a silent prayer of gratitude to my Heavenly Father for blessing me with the love of such a faithful man.

Missionary work is powerful. I truly believe that it is a tool which, if utilized, can make us all more like the One who created us, our Savior, even Jesus Christ.

Goodbye my Almost Lover....

.....So apparently red dye fades fast. Too fast. I've dyed my hair twice already, and the red still seems to be slipping away. It's so sad. It now looks to be a sort of brown/pink color. Don't know if that is possible, but it is really how it seems. I think I'm ready to be blonde again. Not because I don't like the red, but just because I can't keep it.

This is sort of like most of my relationships. It begins intense and passionate, but fades out really quickly, leaving something that is hard to get rid of. Haha. Just kidding. Sort of.

Anyway, I'm just going to let it do its thing until it starts to look tragically horrific, and then I'll see what I can do. Incidentally, does anyone think it's time to cut my hair? I never, never like my hair short, but other people tend to. It is so damaged that cutting it my be the way to go. I dunno. We'll see.

(Oh... I stole the title for this from a song by A Fine Frenzy. She was my inspiration for going red. How come she keeps it so well?)

Go Big or Go Home!!

I did it!! I finally dyed my hair red! It is bold and—if I might say so myself—it is beautiful! I’m so excited about it. My roommate Emily has been wanting to dye hers for a couple of weeks now, and so she made me go and get a box dye when she got hers. I was super nervous because I didn’t know if I would find a color that would turn out. But I took a deep breath (or several), and I did it. I feel like a celebrity. And I’m grateful for the fun change. Give it a look and let me know what you think. But even if you hate it, be aware that I will still think it is one of the greatest things I’ve done. I really do.


Here is one of me in my big, pink movie star glasses


And here is me with my roommate Emily as we mock swimsuit model poses. Aren't we just so clever?

Zumba and New Year's Resolutions

I just wanted to let everyone know that I’ve been working on my New Year’s resolution. I know, I know, you’re all so proud and want to say congrats and all that. Nevermind that it is nearly 5 months into the new year and so the year isn’t even new anymore. But hey, I still write 2009 on things by accident sometimes. That means it is still fairly new, right? I don’t know.

I’m just really proud of myself for working on it. Actually, a few years ago I decided that it was better not to make New Year’s resolutions anymore because I never go through with them. And I just can’t deal with the stress of failure. You know? No goals= no possibilities of failure. Yeah! But no goals also= no progression. So….. I made a few resolutions for the year. And how am I doing on them? Well… I actually don’t remember what most of them are. Pretty sure I didn’t write them down anywhere because I still didn’t want to fail and then feel bad about it.

BUUUUUUUUUT…. I do remember one. And that is what I’m getting at here. I made a goal to get a gym pass, and get in shape. It only took me a month to go in and get the pass. I think I went in February. And, I got a really good deal by talking the guy down. I started going to the gym that same week. I’ve been going about once a week since then. But now the sun has been coming out, so I no longer feel like I need the tanning bed. So, not wanting my pass to go to waste, I decided to go to the gym for an actual work out.

I went yesterday. It was amazing. Did you know that the Provo gym has this room where all the lights are off so no one can see you and all your nasty, filthy sweatingness as you run on the treadmill? They call it the CardioCinema and they play movies to distract you from thinking about the fact that you haven’t been running in about 5 years and you feel like you’re dying. They must’ve been thinking of me when they built this room. After a while in there, I worked out on the weights, and found that the new ones have these awesome little pictures on them which show you how you might possibly look when you are through with the workout—pictures of people with chiseled abs, hard pecs, and muscular calves. I suppose these are for motivation as well as for instruction on how to use the machines.

Anyway, it was a spectacular workout. And then, Oscar, the “club manager” (he told me that that was his official title, but I’m wondering if he is really assistant to the club manager) told my roommate Emily all about how he sees me in the gym all the time. I guess Oscar sees the future. He also signed us up for a Zumba class. I wasn’t really sure what Zumba even was, but he assured us that it is great. We went tonight. Um…. I’ll try not to let the thought of Zumba effect my desire to go to the gym in the future. If I just go when they’re not teaching it, and pretend it doesn’t exist, I'll still like the gym.


But back to the point: I went to the gym. Two days in a row even! That is enough to maybe even create a consistent pattern. I feel proud. I might actually achieve this New Year’s resolution. Maybe.

Hair Today

Today I am going to blog about hair. That’s right, hair. You might think there is not a lot a person can say about hair—especially a person unaffiliated with beauty school or the like—but you would be wrong. I have quite the hair thought train right now. Hmmmm. Hair thought train. That is a funny image. Anyway, I suppose I’m not just thinking of hair in general, but of hair color. I started thinking about this a couple of months ago, and it has all culminated in the writing of this probably pointless blog.

As some of you may remember, a couple of months ago, my world fell apart. I posted something about it when I had my nervous break-down. Ever after that, I have been feeling super insignificant in the world that flows and ebbs around me. Not insignificant as in I don’t matter; I don’t want you to think that I am self-depreciating or self-loathing, I like myself. This insignificance is the kind that comes from feeling like one solitary leaf in a whirlwind. Things are constantly moving around me of their own volition, and I am hopeless to control them, no matter how hard I try. Despite the strength of my person, I will never be strong enough to control anything but me. Don’t get me wrong, you can be a force for good, and you can motivate others and you can help with things, yada yada yada, but really each of us is the master of only our own agency. That’s super humbling. And who knows, maybe that is a lesson that God has been trying to teach me this last little while. I’m not really sure. All I know is that I HAVE learned it. And as I’ve learned about my powerlessness to control anything but myself, I’ve gained this immense desire to control EVERYTHING inside myself. I often catch myself thinking about how I’m spending my time, and if it is really how I want to spend it. It is distracting. In the middle of a task, I will think, “Is THIS what I want to be doing right now? No. I want to be doing something else.” And since I have control of me, I will change tasks. Often this leads to my homework falling by the wayside, as you can imagine.

Anyway this is a blog about hair, right? Right. Here’s how I lead into the hair topic: One thing I found that I have control over is the color of my hair. And so for the last couple of months, I have wanted to change my hair. I started to look around for what I like—not what others like, or what is popular or mainstream, but what I like. I wanted to be in control of the decision. I realized that the color I am the most attracted to is a deep red. You may have seen this red being sported by women like the actress on GI Joe, the singer for A Fine Frenzy, and others. I fell in love with the color, and have been obsessing about it for at least a month. Really I’ve been trying to figure out whether people would like me with red hair. But then I realized that I was placing the control with other people again. Worrying if people will like me with red hair? Really? Is the color of my hair going to affect whether or not people LIKE me? I will still be the same person, regardless of the color of the stuff coming out of the top of my head, won’t I?

My friends know that I’m not very fond of stereotyping in general, but this brand is extra repulsive to me. I have spent most of my life sporting blonde locks, which I suppose makes me “A Blonde.” But I hate saying that. I hate saying I’m “a blonde” because of the package deal of stupidity and silliness that comes with that title. Blondes apparently were not blessed with brains. Brunettes, on the other hand, are smart and talented and sometimes athletic. Oh, and my favorite—Gingers. This is a term that is new to me. I wasn’t aware that people with red hair were so generally despised by the entire human race. But apparently they are. Or at least this is what I’m told. I’m told that Gingers are at the bottom of society. Seriously? This whole idea reminds me of Dr. Seuss’s “Sneeches on the beaches with the stars on thars.” Those with the star-bellies were thought to be better simply because of different coloring. But what happened when that crazy guy came into town and switched up all the colors and shapes and sizes? And what would happen if I, a Blonde, had the audacity to dye my hair brown? Would I suddenly become a brilliant-minded athlete of the century? No. I tried it. Didn’t work. Nothing can make me athletic. I’m uncoordinated. But you know what DID happen? People treated me differently. Maybe only a little, but they did it. And I have a friend who is terribly embarrassed of his own red hair because of the Ginger stigma. So he dyes his hair brown. He says people just treat him better all around. How ridiculous is THAT?!

Anyway I don’t know where I’m going with this... The truth is that I started writing this about 3 weeks ago, and now I can’t seem to capture the passion I had concerning hair at that point. I did color my hair red. Parts of it. Painted streaks right through my precious blonde locks. It was beautiful. I almost cried. Okay… maybe not. But it WAS beautiful. Then it faded. I suppose I could come up with a really great analogy about how things in your life fade and how tragic that is… but I won’t. I’ll leave it here. I still like red hair. I think I’m going to pursue it more aggressively.
The End.


Rachel Nichols from GI Joe


Alison Sudol from A Fine Frenzy

I was also going to post a picture of Jessica Rabbit just for kicks... but I couldn't find one that I didn't feel was slightly pornographic. Gross. She's a cartoon for heaven's sake!

The Secret, and Positive Thinking

I started thinking the other day about how I haven't written in a while. Not really. I mean, I posted a poem, but that has nothing to do with me and my life. I realized that it is not for lack of things going on in my life that I have not been writing... it is for lack of GOOD things going on. I've had sort of a hard life for the last little while. It is sort of like driving on the road right after the snow all melts away, but before the potholes have been filled for the summer. You know what I'm talking about? Its bumpy and rough. But I don't really feel like bringing up all that gross negative stuff. Life is what it is. Bad things do sometimes happen. But man, I also receive a lot of blessings, and I need to think about those positive things.

Which leads me to my real topic of discussion here: positive thinking. I had a conversation with a friend about positive thinking the other night. He was talking about how believing in something and thinking positively helps you to succeed. He was basically saying that you can achieve anything you put your mind to. It reminded me of The Secret. Hailey, if you're reading this, I know what you're thinking: "Don't bring up The Secret with Sister Nielsen. Its a bad idea." And its true. I hate the idea of The Secret. The idea that you can control the world around you simply by thinking positively; That you can have everything you want if you believe it enough. Its just silly. When I tried to explain this to my friend (as well as when I discussed it with Hailey) I was viewed as a complete pessimist. I've tried to advocate realism instead of pessimism, but no one buys that. Anyway, I DO think it is realism. It may SEEM pessimistic-- to think that most of the time I have no control over whether or not I will get what I want. But I just don't see it that way. Here's why: I think that the Lord is in control. Not me. And not anyone else. And you know what? I prefer it that way. The reason for this, is that though I THINK I know what will make me happy in life, in reality I'm totally clueless. But God knows. And I love Him for helping me to figure this out time and time again.

An example from life:
I used to love a boy. I loved him for eight consecutive years of my life. I wanted to marry him. That is what I wanted, what I thought would be best for me. Said boy, if he reads this, will most likely know who he is. I suppose that might be a little awkward, considering the fact that he is now married. But I don't mind. I'm trying to make a point here. And the point is that I could've thought positively about marrying that boy day and night, night and day for all eight of those years, believing with all my heart that I would marry that boy, and it still wouldn't have happened. But that is because it was not what the Lord wanted. And more than that, the Lord knew it was not what I needed, even if it was what I wanted. What I needed was to serve a mission and to meet so many amazing people and to teach the gospel and to make new friends and to build my testimony stronger than it had ever been. And that is what I REALLY wanted. I just didn't know it before.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that your desires never align with the blessings that God wishes to give you. That would just be silly. And that is why I do continue to hope and dream and wish for things. That is why I even continue to pray for the things I want, and ask God if it is His will that I be given them. Because sometimes it is. But when it's not, it's not, and that has nothing to do with how firmly I believed it before. Does that make sense at all? In other words, I can sit here all day, and continue wishing that the boy I love now-- the one that I have loved for over a year-- will recognize that we should be together and come sweep me off my feet and finally marry me. But it might never happen. It might not be what the boy wishes, and it might not be what the Lord wants for me. And you know what? That will hurt. It will hurt a lot. But in the end, it will work out the best way. Isn't that funny? In the end? In THE END it will be fine, but NOW it hurts. Even if you think positively. Even if you believe it won't hurt. Even if you plead with the Lord to make it work out. It hurts when it doesn't. But the hurt is a trial and trials make you grow. So even if you COULD positive-think it away, it wouldn't be what you REALLY wanted in the end, because it wouldn't help you to grow to your full potential.

And now I feel like I'm getting long-winded. Probably because I am. However I want to just add one last thought, and this is a quote by C.S. Lewis: "When we want to be something other than the thing God wants us to be, we must be wanting what, in fact, will not make us happy." True. So though I love this guy more than I can imagine loving anyone else, if it isn't supposed to work out, I am currently wanting something which will, in fact, not make me happy.

Well, it's 2 am. My brain has stopped functioning. But suffice it to say, that though I believe that positivity gives you a zest for life and extra energy, I don't believe that it gives you things that you want simply because you want them.
That's all. The end. All I have to say for right now.

The Epic... Or my attempt at it

So I wrote this poem for a class a couple of years ago. We were supposed to write our own version of the founding of America. Then, for my British Literature class, we read Paradise Lost, so I decided to re-vamp the poem. I went through the whole thing and changed it into iambic pentameter.... sort of. We'll see how good I did. Here goes:

This is a tale of a freedom begotten
Of ardent yearning for and a devotion
To love of God in a reign of tyranny,
Both in politics and in religion
Across the world; people massacred for
Their vehement ideals. Religious powers
Eyed each other with seething suspicion:
Popes excommunicating their rivals,
Attempts to eclipse arduous warfare
Running rampant. God on His throne sat high
Atop the high acropolis of the
Celestial world, regarding His most
Beloved creations With decisiveness,
His Eldest Son at His right hand, Who held
The scepter of power, in prep’ration
To carry out His Father’s glorious plan.
The time has commenced, said He to the Son;
They sat in still reverence to await the day
Of restitution of all truths to men
In the one land which was chosen before
The god of time began ruling over
The children of earth. In the beginning,
Truths were spread and buried deep Within the
Soil of this hallowed land, because it was
So loved by God; Mysteries, which lay in wait
Of the righteous who would toil with fervor
To bring them to the surface. The Son’s face
Shone with resplendent joy; He began whisp’ring
Directions to those faithful ones, in whose
Humble hearts a candle of vigor and
Unsullied hope burned, piercing the seeming
Stanch darkness. Both Father and Son took great
Compassion upon those Puritans, forced
To pay homage to a mortal monarch
Who sits upon his upraised throne of
Theological icons, proclaiming
Himself a god, driven by power and
Conquest, in defiance of the Heaven:
Heading a corrupted tree of vile fruits.
Blooming in the midst of this chaos,
The faithful Puritans felt the strong Truth
Segregate them from all the abounding
Heresy, shedding Christ’s pure light on them.
O, that Mighty God of mercy! He had
Prepared a way for them to be led to
That Eden afore blessed ever to be free;
Outlined a most perfect departure
And voyage. They adhered to the beckon
Of their God, those faithful ones, whose ragged
Pockets held near-empty purses. Now the
Brave Mayflower, being so humble
Sets sail on waters of pacific
Placidness toward the western sky.
Alas, the Devil in all of his fury
At the miracle now set in motion,
Thrashed about upon the dark sea
Violently; terrible winds and waves rose.
The children of this pilgrimage cried out
Why hast Thou forsaken us, O Dear Lord?
The young, fragile boat groaned and it trembled,
Whilst torrents of waves heaved themselves on it
In fury, the sea ravaged the small craft.
The Father, o’erlooked His precious children
But stayed His hand from alleviation
That Ever-Wise God! He wished them to grow,
Their strength to confront the vast array of
unyielding trials He knows they will face,
They, and their children, in setting the stones
Of the nation, in the future, they’d build.
The raging waters surged brute’ly against
The haggard boat. A beam then crashed down
Onto the ship’s deck—grabbed hold of a man,
And the poor soul was lost to the mad waves;
Then in sudden speed, God’s mercy swept in,
Forcing strong Neptune to flee, to retreat.
The Mayflower’s crew then lost their despair
Determination replaced all their fears
They pressed forward t’ward their great destiny,
Abandoning all thoughts of turning back.
Upon at last reaching their sweet refuge
The blessed people found rapture and beauty,
A land whose sweet radiance filled thier joy,
Which God’s hand had guided them safely to.
The splendorous shores cried out like sirens
Promising pleasure to all who embarked
But Ah, God’s beloved, children of light,
Refused the temptation to rush on land
Knowing imperative work still remained.
For God led them here with a plan in mind,
A great purpose which they would not let die.
Remaining upon the fetid vessel
Which had imprisoned them already for
Many long, pitiful nights and long days,
And they prayed to that Being, who in His grace
Had brought them safely to His most choice land,
They prayed for a law, and that law was giv’n,
Then a marvelous compact they drafted:
A cov’nant man to God, God to man,
And strong pacts they made to one another
Which they all vowed solemnly to live by.
Father and Son, Creators of the World,
Sat quiet and still, together again,
Gazing over the vast expanse of time,
Upon the children who would follow forth
One generation after another,
Each finding his own role in Heaven’s plan
A group of wise men, soon drawn together
In the bold cause of freedom and love
A cause to unite that infant country
Into a nation of grandeur and power,
By the combining of all of its laws
The righteous and just, all under our God;
Strong men who stood fighting against evil,
Tyrannic, oppression, a mother land
Whose hand gripped the people with harsh contempt;
And a subsequent man, who in this midst,
Governed by statutes of Heaven, would soon
Restore all the pure and the simple truths
Of Powers, Kingdoms, and Glories of God
Not just to this land, but to the whole earth,
Expanding across all the lands and seas.
And those first children, all then unaware
Of the magnificent future ahead,
They began plowing and churning the soil,
Rich with the vital minerals of truth with great care,
These had been spread by their Father above
So many eons before they arrived;
Prosperous civilization began
To be sown in the rich, new foundation;
A nation most powerful, vied by all,
Would be reaped in the succeeding centuries:
A beacon of freedom and of refuge
To all people who’d fall on its shores,
Paying homage to One who reigns o’er all,
That Merciful God of Heaven and Earth.

I know it's long.... hopefully not DREADFULLY long. If you read the whole thing, kudos to you. You are a true friend. Or a true die-hard amateur poetry lover. Either way, thanks. :)