I started thinking the other day about how I haven't written in a while. Not really. I mean, I posted a poem, but that has nothing to do with me and my life. I realized that it is not for lack of things going on in my life that I have not been writing... it is for lack of GOOD things going on. I've had sort of a hard life for the last little while. It is sort of like driving on the road right after the snow all melts away, but before the potholes have been filled for the summer. You know what I'm talking about? Its bumpy and rough. But I don't really feel like bringing up all that gross negative stuff. Life is what it is. Bad things do sometimes happen. But man, I also receive a lot of blessings, and I need to think about those positive things.
Which leads me to my real topic of discussion here: positive thinking. I had a conversation with a friend about positive thinking the other night. He was talking about how believing in something and thinking positively helps you to succeed. He was basically saying that you can achieve anything you put your mind to. It reminded me of The Secret. Hailey, if you're reading this, I know what you're thinking: "Don't bring up The Secret with Sister Nielsen. Its a bad idea." And its true. I hate the idea of The Secret. The idea that you can control the world around you simply by thinking positively; That you can have everything you want if you believe it enough. Its just silly. When I tried to explain this to my friend (as well as when I discussed it with Hailey) I was viewed as a complete pessimist. I've tried to advocate realism instead of pessimism, but no one buys that. Anyway, I DO think it is realism. It may SEEM pessimistic-- to think that most of the time I have no control over whether or not I will get what I want. But I just don't see it that way. Here's why: I think that the Lord is in control. Not me. And not anyone else. And you know what? I prefer it that way. The reason for this, is that though I THINK I know what will make me happy in life, in reality I'm totally clueless. But God knows. And I love Him for helping me to figure this out time and time again.
An example from life:
I used to love a boy. I loved him for eight consecutive years of my life. I wanted to marry him. That is what I wanted, what I thought would be best for me. Said boy, if he reads this, will most likely know who he is. I suppose that might be a little awkward, considering the fact that he is now married. But I don't mind. I'm trying to make a point here. And the point is that I could've thought positively about marrying that boy day and night, night and day for all eight of those years, believing with all my heart that I would marry that boy, and it still wouldn't have happened. But that is because it was not what the Lord wanted. And more than that, the Lord knew it was not what I needed, even if it was what I wanted. What I needed was to serve a mission and to meet so many amazing people and to teach the gospel and to make new friends and to build my testimony stronger than it had ever been. And that is what I REALLY wanted. I just didn't know it before.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that your desires never align with the blessings that God wishes to give you. That would just be silly. And that is why I do continue to hope and dream and wish for things. That is why I even continue to pray for the things I want, and ask God if it is His will that I be given them. Because sometimes it is. But when it's not, it's not, and that has nothing to do with how firmly I believed it before. Does that make sense at all? In other words, I can sit here all day, and continue wishing that the boy I love now-- the one that I have loved for over a year-- will recognize that we should be together and come sweep me off my feet and finally marry me. But it might never happen. It might not be what the boy wishes, and it might not be what the Lord wants for me. And you know what? That will hurt. It will hurt a lot. But in the end, it will work out the best way. Isn't that funny? In the end? In THE END it will be fine, but NOW it hurts. Even if you think positively. Even if you believe it won't hurt. Even if you plead with the Lord to make it work out. It hurts when it doesn't. But the hurt is a trial and trials make you grow. So even if you COULD positive-think it away, it wouldn't be what you REALLY wanted in the end, because it wouldn't help you to grow to your full potential.
And now I feel like I'm getting long-winded. Probably because I am. However I want to just add one last thought, and this is a quote by C.S. Lewis: "When we want to be something other than the thing God wants us to be, we must be wanting what, in fact, will not make us happy." True. So though I love this guy more than I can imagine loving anyone else, if it isn't supposed to work out, I am currently wanting something which will, in fact, not make me happy.
Well, it's 2 am. My brain has stopped functioning. But suffice it to say, that though I believe that positivity gives you a zest for life and extra energy, I don't believe that it gives you things that you want simply because you want them.
That's all. The end. All I have to say for right now.
Mar 25, 2010
Mar 9, 2010
The Epic... Or my attempt at it
So I wrote this poem for a class a couple of years ago. We were supposed to write our own version of the founding of America. Then, for my British Literature class, we read Paradise Lost, so I decided to re-vamp the poem. I went through the whole thing and changed it into iambic pentameter.... sort of. We'll see how good I did. Here goes:
This is a tale of a freedom begotten
Of ardent yearning for and a devotion
To love of God in a reign of tyranny,
Both in politics and in religion
Across the world; people massacred for
Their vehement ideals. Religious powers
Eyed each other with seething suspicion:
Popes excommunicating their rivals,
Attempts to eclipse arduous warfare
Running rampant. God on His throne sat high
Atop the high acropolis of the
Celestial world, regarding His most
Beloved creations With decisiveness,
His Eldest Son at His right hand, Who held
The scepter of power, in prep’ration
To carry out His Father’s glorious plan.
The time has commenced, said He to the Son;
They sat in still reverence to await the day
Of restitution of all truths to men
In the one land which was chosen before
The god of time began ruling over
The children of earth. In the beginning,
Truths were spread and buried deep Within the
Soil of this hallowed land, because it was
So loved by God; Mysteries, which lay in wait
Of the righteous who would toil with fervor
To bring them to the surface. The Son’s face
Shone with resplendent joy; He began whisp’ring
Directions to those faithful ones, in whose
Humble hearts a candle of vigor and
Unsullied hope burned, piercing the seeming
Stanch darkness. Both Father and Son took great
Compassion upon those Puritans, forced
To pay homage to a mortal monarch
Who sits upon his upraised throne of
Theological icons, proclaiming
Himself a god, driven by power and
Conquest, in defiance of the Heaven:
Heading a corrupted tree of vile fruits.
Blooming in the midst of this chaos,
The faithful Puritans felt the strong Truth
Segregate them from all the abounding
Heresy, shedding Christ’s pure light on them.
O, that Mighty God of mercy! He had
Prepared a way for them to be led to
That Eden afore blessed ever to be free;
Outlined a most perfect departure
And voyage. They adhered to the beckon
Of their God, those faithful ones, whose ragged
Pockets held near-empty purses. Now the
Brave Mayflower, being so humble
Sets sail on waters of pacific
Placidness toward the western sky.
Alas, the Devil in all of his fury
At the miracle now set in motion,
Thrashed about upon the dark sea
Violently; terrible winds and waves rose.
The children of this pilgrimage cried out
Why hast Thou forsaken us, O Dear Lord?
The young, fragile boat groaned and it trembled,
Whilst torrents of waves heaved themselves on it
In fury, the sea ravaged the small craft.
The Father, o’erlooked His precious children
But stayed His hand from alleviation
That Ever-Wise God! He wished them to grow,
Their strength to confront the vast array of
unyielding trials He knows they will face,
They, and their children, in setting the stones
Of the nation, in the future, they’d build.
The raging waters surged brute’ly against
The haggard boat. A beam then crashed down
Onto the ship’s deck—grabbed hold of a man,
And the poor soul was lost to the mad waves;
Then in sudden speed, God’s mercy swept in,
Forcing strong Neptune to flee, to retreat.
The Mayflower’s crew then lost their despair
Determination replaced all their fears
They pressed forward t’ward their great destiny,
Abandoning all thoughts of turning back.
Upon at last reaching their sweet refuge
The blessed people found rapture and beauty,
A land whose sweet radiance filled thier joy,
Which God’s hand had guided them safely to.
The splendorous shores cried out like sirens
Promising pleasure to all who embarked
But Ah, God’s beloved, children of light,
Refused the temptation to rush on land
Knowing imperative work still remained.
For God led them here with a plan in mind,
A great purpose which they would not let die.
Remaining upon the fetid vessel
Which had imprisoned them already for
Many long, pitiful nights and long days,
And they prayed to that Being, who in His grace
Had brought them safely to His most choice land,
They prayed for a law, and that law was giv’n,
Then a marvelous compact they drafted:
A cov’nant man to God, God to man,
And strong pacts they made to one another
Which they all vowed solemnly to live by.
Father and Son, Creators of the World,
Sat quiet and still, together again,
Gazing over the vast expanse of time,
Upon the children who would follow forth
One generation after another,
Each finding his own role in Heaven’s plan
A group of wise men, soon drawn together
In the bold cause of freedom and love
A cause to unite that infant country
Into a nation of grandeur and power,
By the combining of all of its laws
The righteous and just, all under our God;
Strong men who stood fighting against evil,
Tyrannic, oppression, a mother land
Whose hand gripped the people with harsh contempt;
And a subsequent man, who in this midst,
Governed by statutes of Heaven, would soon
Restore all the pure and the simple truths
Of Powers, Kingdoms, and Glories of God
Not just to this land, but to the whole earth,
Expanding across all the lands and seas.
And those first children, all then unaware
Of the magnificent future ahead,
They began plowing and churning the soil,
Rich with the vital minerals of truth with great care,
These had been spread by their Father above
So many eons before they arrived;
Prosperous civilization began
To be sown in the rich, new foundation;
A nation most powerful, vied by all,
Would be reaped in the succeeding centuries:
A beacon of freedom and of refuge
To all people who’d fall on its shores,
Paying homage to One who reigns o’er all,
That Merciful God of Heaven and Earth.
I know it's long.... hopefully not DREADFULLY long. If you read the whole thing, kudos to you. You are a true friend. Or a true die-hard amateur poetry lover. Either way, thanks. :)
This is a tale of a freedom begotten
Of ardent yearning for and a devotion
To love of God in a reign of tyranny,
Both in politics and in religion
Across the world; people massacred for
Their vehement ideals. Religious powers
Eyed each other with seething suspicion:
Popes excommunicating their rivals,
Attempts to eclipse arduous warfare
Running rampant. God on His throne sat high
Atop the high acropolis of the
Celestial world, regarding His most
Beloved creations With decisiveness,
His Eldest Son at His right hand, Who held
The scepter of power, in prep’ration
To carry out His Father’s glorious plan.
The time has commenced, said He to the Son;
They sat in still reverence to await the day
Of restitution of all truths to men
In the one land which was chosen before
The god of time began ruling over
The children of earth. In the beginning,
Truths were spread and buried deep Within the
Soil of this hallowed land, because it was
So loved by God; Mysteries, which lay in wait
Of the righteous who would toil with fervor
To bring them to the surface. The Son’s face
Shone with resplendent joy; He began whisp’ring
Directions to those faithful ones, in whose
Humble hearts a candle of vigor and
Unsullied hope burned, piercing the seeming
Stanch darkness. Both Father and Son took great
Compassion upon those Puritans, forced
To pay homage to a mortal monarch
Who sits upon his upraised throne of
Theological icons, proclaiming
Himself a god, driven by power and
Conquest, in defiance of the Heaven:
Heading a corrupted tree of vile fruits.
Blooming in the midst of this chaos,
The faithful Puritans felt the strong Truth
Segregate them from all the abounding
Heresy, shedding Christ’s pure light on them.
O, that Mighty God of mercy! He had
Prepared a way for them to be led to
That Eden afore blessed ever to be free;
Outlined a most perfect departure
And voyage. They adhered to the beckon
Of their God, those faithful ones, whose ragged
Pockets held near-empty purses. Now the
Brave Mayflower, being so humble
Sets sail on waters of pacific
Placidness toward the western sky.
Alas, the Devil in all of his fury
At the miracle now set in motion,
Thrashed about upon the dark sea
Violently; terrible winds and waves rose.
The children of this pilgrimage cried out
Why hast Thou forsaken us, O Dear Lord?
The young, fragile boat groaned and it trembled,
Whilst torrents of waves heaved themselves on it
In fury, the sea ravaged the small craft.
The Father, o’erlooked His precious children
But stayed His hand from alleviation
That Ever-Wise God! He wished them to grow,
Their strength to confront the vast array of
unyielding trials He knows they will face,
They, and their children, in setting the stones
Of the nation, in the future, they’d build.
The raging waters surged brute’ly against
The haggard boat. A beam then crashed down
Onto the ship’s deck—grabbed hold of a man,
And the poor soul was lost to the mad waves;
Then in sudden speed, God’s mercy swept in,
Forcing strong Neptune to flee, to retreat.
The Mayflower’s crew then lost their despair
Determination replaced all their fears
They pressed forward t’ward their great destiny,
Abandoning all thoughts of turning back.
Upon at last reaching their sweet refuge
The blessed people found rapture and beauty,
A land whose sweet radiance filled thier joy,
Which God’s hand had guided them safely to.
The splendorous shores cried out like sirens
Promising pleasure to all who embarked
But Ah, God’s beloved, children of light,
Refused the temptation to rush on land
Knowing imperative work still remained.
For God led them here with a plan in mind,
A great purpose which they would not let die.
Remaining upon the fetid vessel
Which had imprisoned them already for
Many long, pitiful nights and long days,
And they prayed to that Being, who in His grace
Had brought them safely to His most choice land,
They prayed for a law, and that law was giv’n,
Then a marvelous compact they drafted:
A cov’nant man to God, God to man,
And strong pacts they made to one another
Which they all vowed solemnly to live by.
Father and Son, Creators of the World,
Sat quiet and still, together again,
Gazing over the vast expanse of time,
Upon the children who would follow forth
One generation after another,
Each finding his own role in Heaven’s plan
A group of wise men, soon drawn together
In the bold cause of freedom and love
A cause to unite that infant country
Into a nation of grandeur and power,
By the combining of all of its laws
The righteous and just, all under our God;
Strong men who stood fighting against evil,
Tyrannic, oppression, a mother land
Whose hand gripped the people with harsh contempt;
And a subsequent man, who in this midst,
Governed by statutes of Heaven, would soon
Restore all the pure and the simple truths
Of Powers, Kingdoms, and Glories of God
Not just to this land, but to the whole earth,
Expanding across all the lands and seas.
And those first children, all then unaware
Of the magnificent future ahead,
They began plowing and churning the soil,
Rich with the vital minerals of truth with great care,
These had been spread by their Father above
So many eons before they arrived;
Prosperous civilization began
To be sown in the rich, new foundation;
A nation most powerful, vied by all,
Would be reaped in the succeeding centuries:
A beacon of freedom and of refuge
To all people who’d fall on its shores,
Paying homage to One who reigns o’er all,
That Merciful God of Heaven and Earth.
I know it's long.... hopefully not DREADFULLY long. If you read the whole thing, kudos to you. You are a true friend. Or a true die-hard amateur poetry lover. Either way, thanks. :)
Feb 15, 2010
Why skating requires coordination
So, tonight our ward went ice-skating for FHE. We actually rented out the whole rink for an hour so that we could have it just for our ward. It was a lot of fun. And I actually felt pretty good about myself because I wasn't clinging onto the wall like half the girls in the ward who were trying to keep from falling on their faces. I was enjoying getting some exercise, even going a little faster than I'm used to. Well, I guess I got a little too cocky, though, so the Lord saw fit to humble me. I started racing this guy around the circle, and suddenly my toe pick caught on the ice (stupid toe pick! I don't know who decided they would be a good idea!) and I went flying over my feet. That's right, I biffed it. Hard too. Surprisingly I wasn't very embarrassed. I just started laughing, and brushed myself off. I didn't feel like I hurt myself too bad. My jeans ripped in the knee, which made me upset, but I felt like I'd live. But about half an hour later, my knee began to throb. Now I'm sitting here on my bed wondering if I will be able to climb out of bed tomorrow, let alone climb up and down all the ridiculous amounts of stairs on campus. My knee is totally swollen. We have no ice, but luckily, I found a bag of frozen brussel sprouts in the freezer. No one will eat brussel sprouts, I'm sure. So they're sitting on my knee right now.
What an exciting life I lead...
What an exciting life I lead...
Feb 12, 2010
Acoustic Awesomeness
I'm having an acoustic show at my house. That's right, I'm cool. Well.... not THAT cool, since I won't actually be performing myself. Really, I will just be being used for the house space and for the drawing in of cool people. Well, you know what? I'll take it! I'm having a party at my house. Yay. Everyone and anyone is invited. It will be in two weeks, and it will be totally free. We're trying to get a good line-up as far as people who will play, but so far we just have one: Emily Peet. She's my friend from work, and she's awesome. We are also working on gathering food for said event. More details will follow. Until then, just plan on coming. My house. Friday, February 26th.
I wanted to post a picture... but it appears blogger is against that idea, because it won't let me. won't even give me the option. Dang blogger.
I wanted to post a picture... but it appears blogger is against that idea, because it won't let me. won't even give me the option. Dang blogger.
Feb 8, 2010
Biggest Loser?
Tonight I am going to the gym. That's it! I'm doing it. I find it sickening that I went and purchased a gym pass a full month ago and haven't gone to work out once. Don't worry, my pass has been getting SOME use, as I've suddenly taken up tanning. I know, I know you're tsking at me and thinking, "You're going to get skin cancer." But I'm not. I promise. I just need a little sunshine and Vitamin D in my life. The nervous break-down of last week reminded me of that.
Anyway, tanning aside, my body is in need of exercise something fierce. I was just sitting here thinking, "Why do I feel so incredibly disgusting right now?" and realized that my diet over the weekend had to have been the worst combination of foods I could have managed to assault my system with. So bravo, Vanae, if you wanted to make a full on attack on your own body and make it hate you. **see that? see how I just switched to 3rd person there, and spoke to myself? boy, am I witty!**
Just so that we're clear on how incredibly disgusting it actually was, and you're not thinking, "She must have had a Big Mac, and is just regretting it because of Super Size Me," I will give an overview here:
Friday= I ate a sandwich and chips with barbeque chips around 4. Then I went with some guy friends who were hungry and found that McDonald's has a deal for 50 chicken nuggets for $10. Really. This is a disgusting thing to offer, but how could a guy ever pass this up? So they ordered the nuggets, and I ordered a soft-serve cone. But don't worry, I finished off the chicken for them when they were too embarrassed to say that they'd eaten all 50. Then, after watching Slumdog Millionaire, everyone was in the mood for some curry. At midnight. So I ate that too.
Saturday= I took Dusty to lunch for her birthday at TGIFriday's. I'm not sure why, but for some reason we both thought it would be a really good idea to get the 3-course meal for 12.99. Good deal, yes. Good idea, um....no. I took home a huge box of food, and felt like I would vomit the rest of the night.... until 11 pm. I was at work filling out paperwork, feeling a big grumpy, and I just needed to snack on something. So I had some left-over pizza. And don't worry, not just one, but TWO slices.
Sunday= Thank heavens it was Fast Sunday! I skipped two fat meals. But by the time dinner came around, I was obviously starving. So I ate my left-overs from TGIFriday's.... followed by some cookie dough....and some chips. And later I was hungry again, so I ate a sandwich.... and some Oreos and milk. Gross?
Well, I know today doesn't count as the weekend, but at school I was really hungry and oh-so bored in ASL, so I bought some chips from the vending machine.... and some chocolate cookies. I ate them both before an hour was even up. Gross. Gross. Disgusting. Gross.
My body is rebelling against me. I feel like I've mistreated the poor thing. If it could, it would leave me and probably take me to court for abuse. It would win, too, on several counts. I'm so ashamed. Well, body, tonight I'm going to make it up to you. Tonight I'm taking you to out. Out to that place where every body feels like a million bucks: Gold's. That's right. You're welcome.
Anyway, tanning aside, my body is in need of exercise something fierce. I was just sitting here thinking, "Why do I feel so incredibly disgusting right now?" and realized that my diet over the weekend had to have been the worst combination of foods I could have managed to assault my system with. So bravo, Vanae, if you wanted to make a full on attack on your own body and make it hate you. **see that? see how I just switched to 3rd person there, and spoke to myself? boy, am I witty!**
Just so that we're clear on how incredibly disgusting it actually was, and you're not thinking, "She must have had a Big Mac, and is just regretting it because of Super Size Me," I will give an overview here:
Friday= I ate a sandwich and chips with barbeque chips around 4. Then I went with some guy friends who were hungry and found that McDonald's has a deal for 50 chicken nuggets for $10. Really. This is a disgusting thing to offer, but how could a guy ever pass this up? So they ordered the nuggets, and I ordered a soft-serve cone. But don't worry, I finished off the chicken for them when they were too embarrassed to say that they'd eaten all 50. Then, after watching Slumdog Millionaire, everyone was in the mood for some curry. At midnight. So I ate that too.
Saturday= I took Dusty to lunch for her birthday at TGIFriday's. I'm not sure why, but for some reason we both thought it would be a really good idea to get the 3-course meal for 12.99. Good deal, yes. Good idea, um....no. I took home a huge box of food, and felt like I would vomit the rest of the night.... until 11 pm. I was at work filling out paperwork, feeling a big grumpy, and I just needed to snack on something. So I had some left-over pizza. And don't worry, not just one, but TWO slices.
Sunday= Thank heavens it was Fast Sunday! I skipped two fat meals. But by the time dinner came around, I was obviously starving. So I ate my left-overs from TGIFriday's.... followed by some cookie dough....and some chips. And later I was hungry again, so I ate a sandwich.... and some Oreos and milk. Gross?
Well, I know today doesn't count as the weekend, but at school I was really hungry and oh-so bored in ASL, so I bought some chips from the vending machine.... and some chocolate cookies. I ate them both before an hour was even up. Gross. Gross. Disgusting. Gross.
My body is rebelling against me. I feel like I've mistreated the poor thing. If it could, it would leave me and probably take me to court for abuse. It would win, too, on several counts. I'm so ashamed. Well, body, tonight I'm going to make it up to you. Tonight I'm taking you to out. Out to that place where every body feels like a million bucks: Gold's. That's right. You're welcome.
Feb 5, 2010
Those Promised Pictures
So here are the pictures that I promised to post of our 80's party. It really was a fun night, despite the fact that it contributed to my subsequent nervous break-down.
Is it too cocky of me to say that I think I would've made one hot 80's chick?
Is it too cocky of me to say that I think I would've made one hot 80's chick?
Feb 3, 2010
The Break-Down
So......... I had a nervous break-down this last weekend. Or maybe it was a mental break-down. I’m not really sure what the difference is. Mental break-down sounds a bit more serious; like there is a probability that your roommate will check you into a psych ward while you are sleeping. I’m pretty sure that things aren’t THAT bad yet… though that might be due to the fact that I’m such a light sleeper that my roommate could never sneak into my room without me sitting up bolt-right and asking her what the H she’s doing in my room. Ha. Jokes on her.
Anyway, here’s how the collapse happened: I was given an assignment to write a paper for British Literature over a week ago. It was only a 3-pager. Not too bad. But when he announced it, I just couldn’t think of a topic. I figured I would deal with it later. The week went by. I realized that the paper was due the day after my birthday. That would be annoying, I thought. Again, I forgot all about it. The weekend came. I had a birthday dinner on Friday night, which turned out to be only slightly less than disasterous. Nearly everything that could go wrong did. It was awesome. The next day we had an 80’s party at work. We all got dressed up, and encouraged the girls to be crazy. I wanted to get into the full swing of things and go all-out, so I spent the morning before I went in to work going to DI to look for off-the shoulder sweatshirts, putting on bright green fish-net tights, and applying blue eye-shadow. Good times. I will post pictures of this as soon as I have them. Anyway, after work my co-workers took me to Applebee’s, so I didn’t get home until around 2am. Sunday I had about 800 things I had to do which kept me from starting on homework. After church I had a RS presidency meeting, then ran to attend the deaf ward for credit in ASL, then went to go see my mom (after all, it was my birthday), then I stopped at work to pick up my power cord (my co-worker had left it there), then I went to my grandparents’ house for the family birthday party. For those who don’t know, I share a birthday with both my grandpa and my uncle. So there is always a bit of a to-do about this day. I just could not miss the party. By the time I got home, I was so exhausted (probably because I stayed up until nearly 3, and then got up for church at 8) that I fell asleep on the luvsac while trying to read. Around 8 pm I decided to start the paper that was due the next day. Nice.
Now, I want you to know that this is not just an extreme case of procrastionation-itis. No, this is much more. A normal happy, healthy, brain-functioning person can whip out a 3-page paper in a couple of hours. I could not. And when I say could not, I mean that. I COULDN’T. I sat there for hours trying to think of a topic. HOURS. I took a break around ten when Dusty came to visit me, and then went to visit some guys in my ward, but all along I was still brainstorming topics in my head. Nothing. I decided to pull an all-nighter. I pulled out the Dr. Pepper, and my roommate made nachos. Then I sat in front of the computer until about 3am. Just sat there. I searched through my book and the online comments from my classmates and surfed Wikipedia for relevant info. My brain was a dark void. That was when I recognized the nervous break-down. My brain was done thinking. Not only was it out of order then, I have since realized that it has been off-line for quite a while now. I’m pretty sure that this craziness was conceived sometime before Christmas, and has been just incubating since then, waiting to come out and surprise me. Sort of like those fat ladies who don’t know they’re pregnant until they go into labor. I feel a little like that. In the way that it snuck up on me, at least. Not in being pregnant or fat.
I wish I could say that it was only the paper that I missed, too. But upon arriving at school Monday morning (or rather Monday afternoon) I realized that I had blown off assignments for two more of my classes. What the--? And I’m now officially 6 chapters behind in my grammar class, which means I have no idea what in the world he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure I don’t help the situation by sitting in the back typing blogs and stories or playing solitaire on my laptop. But what can I do? My brain is turned off. It is like when your car has a dead battery. No matter how many times you try to turn it over, you’re going to end up still sitting in the parking lot with a completely useless car.
The up-side of this story is that my professor was totally understanding for some reason. I simply told him I’d gone crazy, and he told me to take the day off and go do fun things like go tanning, get a pedicure, see a matinee, go to the art museum, etc. He said that only after this, I could talk with him about making up the paper. My other teachers weren’t so understanding. Well… at least not my English teacher. Since I have a hard time communicating with my ASL teacher, I decided not to attempt hand-speaking this problem to him without a brain. Too risky. I will just take the grade dock there.
I have also realized that though I may be failing at life, I can still feel happy. I know, weird, huh? But it’s surprisingly true. I’m stressed beyond belief, but I’m still smiling and laughing. I’m not sure why. Maybe it is because without a brain I am too dumb to feel the full weight of what’s going on here. Or maybe it is because I have this great friend who, when he found out that I was going a little crazy, took me to a drop-claw machine and got enough quarters for me to keep playing until I won. THAT made me happy. I mean, those things are usually impossible, but I WON! See? So not everything is terrible. I see a ray of hope at the end of this excruciatingly long and darkened tunnel.
Anyway, here’s how the collapse happened: I was given an assignment to write a paper for British Literature over a week ago. It was only a 3-pager. Not too bad. But when he announced it, I just couldn’t think of a topic. I figured I would deal with it later. The week went by. I realized that the paper was due the day after my birthday. That would be annoying, I thought. Again, I forgot all about it. The weekend came. I had a birthday dinner on Friday night, which turned out to be only slightly less than disasterous. Nearly everything that could go wrong did. It was awesome. The next day we had an 80’s party at work. We all got dressed up, and encouraged the girls to be crazy. I wanted to get into the full swing of things and go all-out, so I spent the morning before I went in to work going to DI to look for off-the shoulder sweatshirts, putting on bright green fish-net tights, and applying blue eye-shadow. Good times. I will post pictures of this as soon as I have them. Anyway, after work my co-workers took me to Applebee’s, so I didn’t get home until around 2am. Sunday I had about 800 things I had to do which kept me from starting on homework. After church I had a RS presidency meeting, then ran to attend the deaf ward for credit in ASL, then went to go see my mom (after all, it was my birthday), then I stopped at work to pick up my power cord (my co-worker had left it there), then I went to my grandparents’ house for the family birthday party. For those who don’t know, I share a birthday with both my grandpa and my uncle. So there is always a bit of a to-do about this day. I just could not miss the party. By the time I got home, I was so exhausted (probably because I stayed up until nearly 3, and then got up for church at 8) that I fell asleep on the luvsac while trying to read. Around 8 pm I decided to start the paper that was due the next day. Nice.
Now, I want you to know that this is not just an extreme case of procrastionation-itis. No, this is much more. A normal happy, healthy, brain-functioning person can whip out a 3-page paper in a couple of hours. I could not. And when I say could not, I mean that. I COULDN’T. I sat there for hours trying to think of a topic. HOURS. I took a break around ten when Dusty came to visit me, and then went to visit some guys in my ward, but all along I was still brainstorming topics in my head. Nothing. I decided to pull an all-nighter. I pulled out the Dr. Pepper, and my roommate made nachos. Then I sat in front of the computer until about 3am. Just sat there. I searched through my book and the online comments from my classmates and surfed Wikipedia for relevant info. My brain was a dark void. That was when I recognized the nervous break-down. My brain was done thinking. Not only was it out of order then, I have since realized that it has been off-line for quite a while now. I’m pretty sure that this craziness was conceived sometime before Christmas, and has been just incubating since then, waiting to come out and surprise me. Sort of like those fat ladies who don’t know they’re pregnant until they go into labor. I feel a little like that. In the way that it snuck up on me, at least. Not in being pregnant or fat.
I wish I could say that it was only the paper that I missed, too. But upon arriving at school Monday morning (or rather Monday afternoon) I realized that I had blown off assignments for two more of my classes. What the--? And I’m now officially 6 chapters behind in my grammar class, which means I have no idea what in the world he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure I don’t help the situation by sitting in the back typing blogs and stories or playing solitaire on my laptop. But what can I do? My brain is turned off. It is like when your car has a dead battery. No matter how many times you try to turn it over, you’re going to end up still sitting in the parking lot with a completely useless car.
The up-side of this story is that my professor was totally understanding for some reason. I simply told him I’d gone crazy, and he told me to take the day off and go do fun things like go tanning, get a pedicure, see a matinee, go to the art museum, etc. He said that only after this, I could talk with him about making up the paper. My other teachers weren’t so understanding. Well… at least not my English teacher. Since I have a hard time communicating with my ASL teacher, I decided not to attempt hand-speaking this problem to him without a brain. Too risky. I will just take the grade dock there.
I have also realized that though I may be failing at life, I can still feel happy. I know, weird, huh? But it’s surprisingly true. I’m stressed beyond belief, but I’m still smiling and laughing. I’m not sure why. Maybe it is because without a brain I am too dumb to feel the full weight of what’s going on here. Or maybe it is because I have this great friend who, when he found out that I was going a little crazy, took me to a drop-claw machine and got enough quarters for me to keep playing until I won. THAT made me happy. I mean, those things are usually impossible, but I WON! See? So not everything is terrible. I see a ray of hope at the end of this excruciatingly long and darkened tunnel.
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